Mom’s Secrets to Surviving the Holidays with Difficult Relatives

Spending time with family during the Holidays can be a magical time. But when you have to spend time with family members that are toxic, it can become quite stressful. So how do you survive the Holidays with a dysfunctional family? How do you make it a magical time for your children in spite of it? Trust me when I say it’s not easy, but it can be done.

I am going to be honest and let you know that I suffer from anxiety. Being in settings where I am surrounded by too many people – whether they are likeable or not – can be stressful for me. So during the Holidays, I make it a point to spend time with the family members who lift my spirits, and have my and my children’s best interests at heart and really focus on them.

I know what you’re going to say. Sometimes doing this is not an option, and like so many, you’ll be forced to spend time with people you would never be caught dead with were it not the Holidays. You’ll be forced to visit that aunt or uncle you don’t get along with. You’ll be forced to sit down for a two-hour meal with the sibling you can’t stand. You’ll be forced to decide which one of your divorced parents you’re spending Christmas Day with. You’ll have to listen to your uncle make inappropriate jokes. And even if you aren’t suffering from anxiety like me, your stress level will certainly go up.

Here’s my take. If you are an adult, making decisions that are in favour of you and your children’s well-being should be your priority. Don’t let anyone decide what event, get-together, or party, you need to go to. Make a list of the people you want to see and make it happen. You get to decide how much contact to have with certain family members. You owe it to yourself and to your children to do what is right for you.

However, if there is really no way around seeing certain difficult individuals, here are a few simple rules to follow to help ensure a happy Holiday season for you and your family;

• Simple chatter is vital. Try to have fun “surface” conversations. You don’t want to come across as reclusive but you don’t need to be deeply involved in every conversation.
• Set boundaries. Don’t create more friction by bringing up painful things from the past. No one wins when that happens, especially during the Holidays. If something needs to be discussed, wait until the New Year.
• Don’t overdo it with alcohol. You might end up saying something you’ll regret or look like a fool.
• Do not lose control, especially in front of your children. This one’s hard, especially if your mom leans in and asks why you’ve put on some extra weight! A simple reply like; “I’m just making sure I’m extra warm for the winter,” is as far as the conversation should go. You may want to argue that she should accept you for who you are along with a few choice words, but don’t do it. Be the bigger person, suck it up, and wait for a more appropriate time. You and your children don’t need to be put through that kind of experience at Holiday time.
• Talk to someone you can trust. It is crucial that you speak to a loved one, a close friend, or confidant after you’ve endured a stressful family gathering. You’ll get to say everything you wanted to. Venting can decrease your stress level, and you’ll be able to reconnect with like-minded people. This also helps to avoid building up anger toward a relative that could ultimately lead to an outburst next Christmas!